Kann man das so schicken? (Englisch LK 11/2)
Title: “Happier than Ever“
I grew up watching the world from the sidelines. I learned when I was young that the world is just like a big cafeteria table I was not welcome at. I was an odd child- to say the least. Making up my own stupid little songs. Cutting myself bangs with the scissors I found in Mom’s drawer. Walking up to people when they’re sad and hugging them silently. An odd child- to say the least. It didn’t get me many friends. Obviously. The one friend I had was just as pathetic. So embarrassing. Honestly. I’m glad we grew apart. She’s still walking around with stupid sunflower clips in her hair. She’s still humming that little song we made up as kids. She’s annoying. Honestly. She thinks people like her for “who she is.” She has like 2 friends. Who would listen to her? She said I changed. She said that “I’m not being myself anymore“. But I know better. I didn’t change, I adapted. And that way I will be more successful and happy than her.
It is the night before the new school year starts, so I lie down in bed, close my eyes and let the thoughts flow.
You must make friends. Do whatever it takes. It doesn’t matter if you’re not being yourself. It doesn’t matter if you’re uncomfortable. Do you seriously want to spend your school years all alone? Is that really what you want to happen? Wake up to a million spam emails yet not a single message from a friend? Not a single missed call? Not a single message asking “Are you coming today?” Is that seriously what you will let happen? No. Pull yourself together and fit in. You must fit in. If you don’t you’ll be an outcast again. No one will sit next to you in class. You will spend your breaks alone waiting for them to end while the others wish they’d never do. You will watch everybody laugh. Watch everybody hang out. Everybody be happy.
You must fit in. It doesn’t matter what it takes. Remember 7th grade? I’m sure you do. Do you want to repeat that cycle? Is your life just one long pitiful cycle? A cycle of being excluded, tolerated, yet not wanted. Accepted, yet not wished for. It’s pathetic how hard you’re trying. How hard you’re trying to be someone else, yet still manage to fail. But this time will be different because you realized something. Nobody is being themselves. Nobody. Then why should you be? It’s embarrassing to think anybody cares about your true self. Honestly. All those TV shows are making you delusional. Stop believing in that stupid fairytale where anybody cares about who you actually are. You are just a character to be played. Don’t play it the right way and you will end up alone. Do you want that to happen? No. Think about how much better everything will be. You will be happy. You will never be lonely again. Never again. People will look up to you. Admire you. Maybe even envy you. Every single day will not feel like a burden. You will not feel like a burden. You will stop being a burden. People will love you for who you are. Even if it isn’t the real you. The real you was always cut out to be a loser anyway. To be an outcast and alone. To be a pathetic nothing who no one likes. If you don’t want to be that person anymore then read your stupid books in private. Watch that stupid show in secret. No one cares about it anyway. Stop talking so much about things no one cares about. Do you seriously think the world revolves around yourself? Are you seriously that pathetic? You narcissist. It’s funny, hide that. Now think. What do they want to hear? What do they expect from you? Is it coolness? Nonchalance? Funniness? Whatever it is, you must be it. Don’t show yourself. You must fit in. People will expect different things from you. You must be versatile. Be whatever they want you to be. Be yourself in secret.
“Have a nice day too.” I smile back softly to my dear friend as I go home and lie down in bed. I look at my phone. 2 missed calls, 12 new messages. Perfect. A hard day of fitting in. Totally worth it though. I have friends. I’m fitting in. I’m amazing. Happier than ever. I finally feel… empty? Whatever. Now I can be myself.
But when I look into the mirror I don’t recognize my self. Was she right?
And now the lights are off, the chairs are empty and I’m all alone. No one is watching, yet why do I keep acting?
