Englischen Text: Wie würdet ihr den bewerten?

Hallo ich habe einen essay geschrieben über compulsory first aid courses for fourteen year olds und das ist ein maturabeispiel gewesen und ich wollte fragen, ob jemand das durchlesen könnte und es bewerten könnte, welche note das wäre, vor allem mit den fehlern und so. Ich habe den Text komplett alleine geschrieben und das in 20 Minuten, weil bei der Matura haben wir sehr wenig Zeit für zwei Texte also nur eine Stunde. Ich würde mich echt freuen. :)

Nowadays young people has access to more goods like education. In our modernity, they can extend their knowledge pretty easily as technology, for instance, is spread all over the world and as they can attain school which offers a ton of diverse subjects. However, people still argue that many of these don’t teach valuable lessons about the real life. Instead, young people already want to accomplish experiences that educate them for certain situations, perhaps helping someone out in hazardous situations. In result of these arguably issues, people suggest signing 14-year olds up for compulsory first aid courses.

Compulsory first aid courses can be ideal and influential for young people collecting more real life based experiences. Moreover, they can even give them an insight on how a situation can alter in only one instant and how people can put themselves in danger, precisely fighting against death. Teaching sessions about helping someone, in terms of surviving, can reflect young people’s interests. Some students already complain on having deplorable teaching sessions at school, regardless of their subject area. Maths, science, biology,  physics might enforce their intellectual thoughts but what about focusing on their mind set. Are they even that mentally stable to handle emergency situations? Would they even risk themselves to help someone out after they crashed their car into a tree? Are they even willing to sacrifice themselves and is it even worth?

At this point, students would take school more seriously as compulsory first aid courses influence students mental mind set. In this case, the integration of first aid courses into school is essential for young people. 14 year olds must bear the importance of life teaching sessions. So, the government need to go after their obligations to pay these courses. After all, education should be free and accessible to everyone. School subjects should not only consist of languages or natural sciences, but the government also have to consider the fact that students have to train their cognitive skills as well.

Moreover, the government can also detect people’s reactions would shape in a deferential way if the education system would be more comprehensive and creative. I mean, how can someone not find it intriguing that the education system develops more on its way to be immaculate. It would pique everybody’s curiosity how young people desirably helps out to change the world into a better place. Knowledge has the power for it.

In conclusion, it can be said that if someone comes up with compulsory first aid courses, it should be already associated in the school’s education system. Fourteen year old should be, at this degree, handle emergency situations and activate their human instincts to sacrifice themselves. 

Answer 1

[LostInMyopia]

Ich bin kein Lehrer, daher weiß ich nicht, wie genau so eine Bewertung ablaufen müsste. Du hast gute Sätze gebaut, dein Thema klar und mit Beispielen erklärt, es waren allerdings einige Fehler drin. Was schlechteres als ne 2 würde ich persönlich anspucken, eher sollte es ne 1 sein, ein paar Tipp - und Grammatik Fehler sollten okay sein, oder?

Answer 2

[AstridDerPu]

Hallo,

Nowadays young people has (Grammatik) access to more goods (Waren?) like education. In our modernity (Wort), they can extend their knowledge pretty easily as technology, for instance, is spread all over the world and as they can attain school which offers a ton of diverse subjects. (Formulierung) However, people still argue that many of these don’t (Kurzformen meiden.) teach valuable lessons about (---) real life. Instead, young people already want to accomplish experiences that educate (Wort) them for certain situations, perhaps helping someone out in hazardous situations. In result of (Wendung) these arguably (Grammatik) issues, people suggest signing 14-year olds up for compulsory first aid courses.

Compulsory first aid courses can be ideal and influential for young people collecting (Grammatik) more real life based (Ich würde hier hyphens verwenden.) experiences. Moreover, they can even give them an insight on how a situation can alter (Ich würde hier change verwenden.) in only one instant and how people can put themselves in danger, (Hier fehlt mindestens ein (1) Wort.) precisely fighting against death (Zusammenhang unklar). Teaching sessions about helping someone, in terms of surviving (umständlich), can reflect young people’s interests. Some students already complain on (Wort) having deplorable teaching sessions at school, regardless of their subject area. Maths, science, biology, physics might enforce their intellectual thoughts but what about focusing on their mind set. Are they even that (Wort, Stil) mentally stable to handle emergency situations? Would they even risk themselves (Wendung) to help someone out after they crashed their car into a tree? Are they even willing to sacrifice themselves and is it even worth (Hier fehlt ein Wort)?

At this point (Wendung) students would take school more seriously (Komma) as compulsory first aid courses influence students mental mind set. In this case, the integration of first aid courses into school is essential for young people. 14 year olds (Hyphens fehlen) must bear (Wort) the importance of life teaching sessions. So, the government need (Ich bevorzuge hier das Singularverb für den Gruppenplural.) to go after their (Ich bevorzuge hier das Singularpronomen für den Gruppenplural.)  obligations to pay these courses. After all, education should be free and accessible to everyone. School subjects should not only consist (Wort) of languages or natural sciences, but the government also have (s.o.) to consider the fact that students have to train their cognitive skills as well.

Moreover, the government can also detect people’s reactions would shape in a deferential way (Zeiten) if the education system would (Grammatik) be more comprehensive and creative. I mean (Ich bevorzuge hier ein anderes Verb.), how can someone not find it intriguing that the education system develops more (Wendung, Stil) on its way to be immaculate. It would pique everybody’s curiosity how young people desirably (?) helps (Grammatik) out to change the world into a better place https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02CcUCPkw-s). Knowledge has the power for it.

In conclusion, it can be said that if someone comes up with compulsory first aid courses, it should be already associated in (Wendung, Grammatik) the school’s (Grammatik) education system. Fourteen year old (hyphens, Grammatik) should (---), at this degree (Wendung, Position), handle emergency situations and activate their human instincts to sacrifice themselves (sich zu opfern?)

Das Fettgedruckte muss korrigiert, das Kursivgedruckte überdacht werden. Ich hoffe, ich habe nichts übersehen.

Mein Tipp: Halte die Sätze etwas kürzer, damit Subject-Verb- und andere Agreements richtig sind. Weniger ist manchmal mehr. Ich halte einen viele Sätze für viel zu umständlich und unverständlich formuliert.

Für das Vokabular und die Rechtschreibung empfehle ich ein gutes (online) Wörterbuch, z.B. pons.com,

für die Grammatik ego4u.de und englisch-hilfen.de - und Finger weg vom Google Übelsetzer und seinen tr.tteligen Kollegen!

Da ich kein Lehrer bin, gebe ich auch keine Benotung ab.

:-) AstridDerPu