Personal comment über Autos?

Hey, ich bin in der zehnten Klasse und schreib morgen in Englisch eine Klassenarbeit und muss einen Personal Comment schreiben. Ich habe jetzt einen Text geschrieben über das Thema „Should cars be banned to combat climate change and traffic accidents ?“ Meine Aufgabe dazu war für jede Seite 2 Argumente zu schreiben und circa 150-200 benutzen. Könntet ihr mir vielleicht sagen, ob ich den Text gutgeschrieben habe und ihr Verbesserungsvorschläge habt?
Dankeschön.

Everyday, eight people die in Germany because of car crashes. Nowadays, the number of sold cars has increased over the last twenty years. More people can drive today than 50 years ago. So more cars are on the streets. Also everybody knows that driving a car produces high CO2 emissions, which damage the climate. So, should cars be banned to combat climate change and traffic accidents? In the following text, I will give my opinion on this topic.

Firstly, there are alternative climate-neutral electric cars available on the market. When you buy them, manufacturers sometimes offer bonuses, making electric cars often as affordable as regular ones. Due to global research in the field of electric cars, especially from China, new technologies are constantly emerging. Surely, the production of electric cars will become more environmentally friendly in the future.

Secondly, cars provide flexibility. To work or school, you can use your own car without depending on public traffic like buses or trains. This is especially important in rural areas, where public transport options are limited. For instance, in my village, the bus to the nearest town only runs once an hour, and not after 7 pm.

On the other side, traffic accidents are a huge problem all around the world. As already said, everyday 8 people die in Germany because of traffic accidents and over 1.6 Thousand worldwide. These numbers are arlarming, we have to do something. So it would be better, if we don’t use the car always. Also older people should walk more, because they can’t recognize and react so fast in the traffic, they’re a huge risk.

Furthermore, the production of cars, especially electric ones, generates high CO2 emissions, which speed up global warming. Additionally, driving traditional cars continues to harm the environment. To produce for example a battery for an electric car, often workers get exploit in poor countries or child labour have played a role. Also the battery don’t can be used to much, because slowly the battery capacity decrease a lot, so you often have to charge.

To sum it all up, I come to the conclusion, that cars should be banned. Electric cars are a good alternative, but the fabrication produces to much CO2. But I‘m sure it will be better in near future, Walk or use the bicycle is good for your health and doesn’t damage yourself!

Answer 1

[AstridDerPu]

Hallo,

auf den ersten Blick fällt auf, dass der Text für 150 - 200 Wörter viel zu lang ist. Er hat die doppelte Wortzahl (394). Es gilt die sogenannte 10 %-Regel, nach der darf die Wortzahlabweichung nach oben und nach unten 10 % betragen.

Dann ist gleich das erste Wort im Text falsch. Außerdem ist die Stellung von in Germany im ersten Satz suboptimal.

Neben den bereits genannten Fehlern:

• Neben dem Kommafehler im if- Satz, ist auch die Zeitenfolge falsch.
• public traffic = Wortfehler
• To work or school, you can use your own car without depending on public traffic like buses or trains. = Satzbau
• On the other side = Wortfehler
• arlarming = Rechtschreibfehler
• Also ist kein Satzanfang.
• ... don’t use the car always - falsche Position von always
• ... they can’t recognize - Sie können nicht bemerken ???

To produce for example a battery for an electric car, often workers get exploit (Grammatikfehler) in poor countries or child labour have played a role. - Satzbau

Also the battery don’t can (Grammtikfehler) be used to (Grammatikfehler) much, because slowly (---) battery capacity decrease (Grammatikfehler) a lot, so you often have to charge (wen oder was?). - Satzbau

Diese beiden Sätze müssen umformuliert werden.

• come to the conclusion, that - vor that steht im Englischen kein Komma

But I'm *1 sure it will be better in (Hier fehlt der bestimmte Artikel.)near future, neuer Satz oder klein weiter. Walk or use (Hier braucht es das Gerund.) the bicycle [collocation: ride a bike] is good for your health and doesn’t damage yourself (Ausdrucksfehler).

*1 Kurzformen wie diese werden vorwiegend im gesprochenen Englisch verwendet. In der Schriftsprache - zumindest in formellen Schreiben - sollte man solche und andere Kurzformen (he's, I'm, don't usw.) vermeiden.

AstridDerPu