Ist das spannend, witzig und das Englisch gut?
"Hey, sweetheart," he called out, his voice gravelly. "Where are you off to in such a hurry?"
Charlotte's eyes narrowed at the bearded biker. She knew his type-aggressive, entitled, and always looking for trouble. Ignoring him, she slid into the next booth and focused on the menu instead.
"Hey, honey, I'm talking to you," the biker slammed his hand down on the counter, causing the silverware to jump. The room felt silent, all eyes now on her.
"But I'm not talking to you," Charlotte replied, looking the biker straight in the eye. Any sign of fear could make the situation worse, she thought.
"Ooh, tough guy, huh?" the biker said with a grin. His friends at the counter chuckled, egging him on.
"Someone who just wants to eat alone," Charlotte replied.
The biker's grin widened, his teeth yellowed from years of tobacco and neglect. He pushed himself off the stool, his heavy boots scraping the floor as he approached her booth. The other patrons pretended to mind their own business, glad to be out of the centre of this gang, though Charlotte could feel their tension.
"What's the matter, honey? Don't you like the company of real men?" He leaned over the back of the booth, his breath reeking of beer and cigarettes.
Charlotte considered how to respond. This kind of idiot wanted to escalate the situation, surely stronger, ruder than a woman and used to it. Charlotte became angry. She got rid of this arsehole client to be dragged into this fight, which was really frustrating. Hot-tempered as she was, she decided to make it short, since the fight seemed to be inevitable as well.
"Do you consider yourself a man? I see an old wreck who cannot even brush his teeth!".
Her words were like a slap in the face. The biker's grin disappeared, replaced by a snarl. He reached out to grab her arm, but Charlotte was quicker. She slapped his arm away and stood up.
"Don't you dare touch me, a-hole!"
Her voice was cold and sharp, like a knife cutting through the silence of the diner. The biker took a step back, surprised by her sudden aggression. His hand hovered in the air where he had intended to grab her. She could see the doubt in his eyes, the moment of indecision. It was now or never.
"If you touch me, I'll kick your balls to Alaska!"
The diner went dead silent. The biker's friends at the counter froze, their smiles gone. The air was thick with testosterone and the smell of impending trouble.
"You got some mouth on ya," the bearded man sneered, taking a step closer.
" I simply want to be left alone here. OK?"
The bearded biker's hand shot out, grabbing her wrist with surprising strength. He pulled her closer, his grip tightening. She felt a twinge of pain, but she wasn't going to show it. Instead, she reacted immediately, decade-long training triggered here reflexes Her left knee hit quick and hard the groins of the biker.
The man's eyes bulged with shock and pain, and he doubled over with a strangled cry. His grip loosened, and she wrenched free, taking a step back. She knew better than to let down her guard. She looked around the diner, expecting his friends to jump in, but to her surprise, they remained seated, watching with a mix of amusement and respect.
"Back off," she warned, her voice steady despite the racing of her heart. The bearded biker straightened up, his face contorted with anger and pain. He took a step towards her, but she was ready, she feigned a punch with her left and hit with a short but still powerful punch of her right fist precisely the nose of the biker.
Blood spurted out immediately, and he staggered backward, holding his face. The diner's atmosphere was electric now, but none of the other bikers made a move. They watched, seemingly amused by the show.
"Looks like you're not as helpless as you look, lady," another biker said. He was younger than that one who she had just broken the nose. He had a grin on his face that seemed to say 'I like your style'.
Charlotte was surprised and a bit relaxed: "Almost 20 years of Kyokushin", she explained.
The younger biker nodded, his eyes lighting up with interest. "Impressive," he said. "The name's Jake. I am the boss here. That was a fine move."
Charlotte was not interested in small talk with the 1%er, but took the opportunity to de-escalate the situation: "I'm Charlotte," she answered the not asked question.
The bearded biker, still holding his hand over his bleeding nose, glared at her, but Jake put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. "Looks like you picked the wrong fight, Billy," Jake said with a chuckle. "You know what Kyokushin is, Billy?"
Billy mumbled something unintelligible through his hands that sounds like "Nah!"
"Kyokushin is a form of full contact karate, Billy," Jake continued. "Very rough. You should learn some respect."
Charlotte grinned: "I think he learned what Kyokushin is!"
Jake chuckled and nodded. "I guess that, too. What brings you to the Roadkill Diner, Charlotte? You don't look like you're from around here."
5 Antworten
1. “his type-aggressive” → “his type—aggressive”
→ Korrektur: Bindestrich durch Gedankenstrich ersetzen („—“) oder mit Leerzeichen trennen („his type – aggressive“).
2. “The room felt silent” → “The room fell silent”
→ „Felt silent“ ist nicht idiomatisch, „fell silent“ ist die korrekte englische Wendung.
3. “tough guy, huh?”
→ „Guy“ passt nicht zu Charlotte (weiblich), also eher „tough girl, huh?“ oder „tough one, huh?“.
4. “The other patrons pretended to mind their own business, glad to be out of the centre of this gang” → “glad to be out of the center of this gang’s attention”
→ „Centre“ ist britisches Englisch, sollte im amerikanischen Kontext „center“ sein.
→ „Out of the center of this gang“ klingt unvollständig – es fehlt „attention“ oder eine vergleichbare Ergänzung.
5. “surely stronger, ruder than a woman and used to it” → “surely stronger and ruder than a woman, and used to it”
→ Fehlende Konjunktion für bessere Lesbarkeit.
6. “Charlotte became angry. She got rid of this arsehole client to be dragged into this fight” → “Charlotte became angry. She had just gotten rid of that asshole client only to be dragged into another fight”
→ „Arsehole“ ist britisches Englisch, in US-Englisch wäre es „asshole“.
→ Der Satz klingt unnatürlich; die Ergänzungen verbessern den Lesefluss.
7. “which was really frustrating” → „which frustrated her even more“
→ „was really frustrating“ ist zu umgangssprachlich und vage.
8. “Hot-tempered as she was, she decided to make it short” → “Hot-tempered as she was, she decided to end it quickly”
→ „Make it short“ ist nicht die richtige Formulierung für einen Kampfkontext.
9. “since the fight seemed to be inevitable as well” → “since a fight seemed inevitable anyway”
→ „Seemed to be inevitable as well“ klingt unnatürlich und zu kompliziert.
10. “Do you consider yourself a man? I see an old wreck who cannot even brush his teeth!”
→ „Cannot even brush his teeth“ wäre natürlicher als „doesn’t even brush his teeth“.
11. “Her words were like a slap in the face. The biker’s grin disappeared, replaced by a snarl.”
→ Besser: „Her words hit like a slap in the face.“ Klingt natürlicher.
12. “decade-long training triggered here reflexes” → “her decade-long training triggered her reflexes”
→ Grammatikfehler: „here“ statt „her“, Wortreihenfolge korrigiert.
13. “Her left knee hit quick and hard the groins of the biker” → “Her left knee struck the biker’s groin quickly and hard”
→ Falsche Wortstellung, „groins“ ist falsch, Singular „groin“ ist korrekt.
14. “She knew better than to let down her guard.”
→ Alternative: „She knew better than to lower her guard.“ Klingt idiomatischer.
15. “She feigned a punch with her left and hit with a short but still powerful punch of her right fist precisely the nose of the biker.”
→ Korrektur: „She feigned a punch with her left and then landed a short but powerful right-handed punch directly on the biker’s nose.“
→ Mehrere Fehler: „hit with a short but still powerful punch of her right fist precisely the nose“ klingt unnatürlich.
16. “She answered the not asked question” → “She answered the unasked question”
→ „Not asked“ ist nicht idiomatisch, „unasked“ oder „unspoken“ wäre korrekter.
17. “Billy mumbled something unintelligible through his hands that sounds like ‘Nah!’” → “Billy mumbled something unintelligible through his hands that sounded like ‘Nah!’”
→ „Sounds“ sollte „sounded“ sein (Vergangenheitsform).
18. “I guess that, too.” → “I guess so, too.”
→ „I guess that, too“ ist nicht die gängige Formulierung.
Damn, du hast dir wirklich die Zeit genommen das alles so ordentlich aufzuschreiben, wie cool. 😭
LOL danke ... ich ahnte es. Deswegen würde ich nie eie Geschichte veröffentlichen ohne dass da jemand drüber schaut, der wirklich Ahnung hat.
Mir ist nicht wirklich etwas fehlerhaftes aufgefallen (was aber auch an meinen eigenen, nicht absolut perfekten Englisch-Skills liegen kann), nur folgendes:
Bei dem Satz ...
Instead, she reacted immediately, decade-long training triggered here reflexes Her left knee hit quick and hard the groins of the biker.
... müsste es glaube ich lauten:
"...decade-long training triggered her reflexes."
Also "her" statt "here" und mit Punkt nach dem Satz.
Außerdem wäre glaube ich "Her left knee hit the groins of the biker quickly and hard." schöner vom Flow her, als dein Satz.
Ansonsten aber gut geschrieben.
Auch wenn ich persönlich die Handlung etwas zu stereotyp finde. Sowas hab ich einfach heute schon zu oft gelesen oder in Filmen gesehen.
Die Szene "Frau wird von ekeligen Typen bedrängt und überrascht durch überlegene Kampfkünste" ist heutzutage nicht mehr überraschend sondern man erwartet eigentlich schon nach dem ersten Absatz, dass es genau so enden wird.
Die Biker sind mit ihren gelben Zähnen und der Alkoholfahne halt auch wieder nur Klischees.
Nun , das ist nur Billy ... jae sieht anders aus, die beschreibung kommt etwas später aber das paßte hier nicht mehr rein.ich wollte vor allem wissen, wie stark ich einem Überstzungsprogramm und meinem Englisch trauen darf Also meinem Englisch nicht ud dem Übersetzungsprogramm bedingt.
es soll der Einstieg in eine Liebesgeschichte zwischen ihr und Jake werden, eine Liebe über alle sozialen Konventionn hinweg.
Hört sich nach ner eins zu eins Übersetzung an - das ist eher deutsche Grammatik und Eigenheiten in Englisch gepresst. Bsp not asked questions
Das ist nichts was englische Leute nutzen würden unasked oder unspoken wäre besser.
und seit wann ist Charlotte n Kerl?
und entscheide dich mal für britisches oder amerikanisches Englisch… das Kuddelmuddel ist eher anstrengend zu lesen
Die Erzählweise, das Formen der Geschichte, der Zusammenhänge, klingt äußerst geübt und ist angenehm flüssig zu lesen.
Der Inhalt ist mir zu flach.
Ist ja hoffentlich nicht schlimm, dass es mir die Art der Geschichten grundsätzlich kaum zusagt.
Spannend?
Es ist wir in so viele Geschichten: der mit der größeren Wumme gewinnt. Spannend oder witzig wäre es, wenn es mal eine andere Lösung gäbe, die natürlich auch glaubwürdig sein muss.
ist ja nur der Einstieg in eine Liebesgeschichte zwischen Ihr und Jake ...