Ist die Analyse ansatzweise gelungen?

ich hab eine analyse zu George W. Bushs Rede am 11. September geschrieben und würde nun gerne wissen, was ich noch verbessern kann:

In his memorable crisis speech George Bush aspires to encourage the American citizens after the attacks on September 11, on the one hand, and, on the other hand, he aims to convince the audience of the official American anti-terror policy in order to defend freedom and justice of democratically elected governments - not only America - which were under the attack of a terrorist organization demanding radical targets. To get a better insight into Bush´s aims it is inevitable to analyse his deployed stylistic and rhetoric devices.

In the first paragraph Bush refers to the strength of the United States despite the past attacks. His aim is to encourage the fellow citizens by using basically several symbols and metaphors as you will see.

First of all, Bush describes the character traits of the American people by appealing several groups, such as the passengers in the airplanes and the rescuers on the destroyed locations. These character traits are described by using the signal words “courage” (l. 5) and “endurance” (l. 6). So Bush shows that the Americans are not intimidated by these terror attacks and continuously hardworking to save people from the destroyed places.

Moreover, Bush deploys three symbols, i.e. “flags” (l. 7), “candles” (l. 8) and “blood” (l. 8). The flags are representing the American patriotism to believe in the strength of one´s own country. The candles give an impression of the losses that have been made in the past days. They are a commemorance of the killed people. The blood puts an emphasis on the injuries and pain of the victims. So Bush is not only encouraging by referring to the good aspects of the American citizens but also mentioning the bad aspects that America has overcome due to its strength and bravery.

The word “prayers” (l. 8) reveals an allusion of God by drawing the focus on the religious aspect. Bush appeals to various religions by mentioning their characteristic languages: “in English, Hebrew, and Arabic” (ll. 8-9). English stands for the Western world, therefore, for Christianity. Hebrew is the language of Jewish people and Arabic is mainly spoken by Muslim people. So by this allusion Bush shows the importance of the religion in the past events, as it was a radical religious group which is responsible for the attacks. But by including the Arabic citizens into this speech he distances from widespread prejudices against Muslim people as he shows their same emotional involvement into the happenings like the other religions. Therefore, he is not blaming any religion opposed to prejudices.

In addition, Bush clarifies that America is meant to be the unity of different people with different religions.

The above mentioned thesis of Bush´s aims to encourage the citizens is proved by reference to the emotional language conveyed by the metaphors and symbols in the first paragraph.

Answer 1

[highlandor]

Hm. Ich habe über Bush's Reden deutlich andere Ansichten, aber ich denke mal, Dir geht es um das Sprachliche. Am Anfang hast Du einen Bandwurmsatz, den Du aufteilen solltest (am besten je ein Satz für on the one und one the other hand).

Dann vielleicht auch mal einen Contact Clause zum Einsatz bringen:

To get a better insight into Bush´s aims it is inevitable to analyse his deployed stylistic and rhetoric devices.

--> To get a better insight into Bush´s aims it is inevitable to analyse the stylistic and rhetoric devices he deployed.

First of all, Bush describes the character traits of the American people by appealing several groups

"appealing" passt nicht. Ich würde "describing" oder vielleicht "focussing on" schreiben.

English stands for the Western world, therefore, for Christianity.

--> English stands for the Western world, and thus for Christianity.

But by including the Arabic citizens into this speech he distances from widespread prejudices

--> But by including the Arabic citizens into this speech he distances himself from widespread prejudices

Mir würde statt "distance" das Wort "dissociate" noch besser gefallen.

The above mentioned thesis

...aforementioned... (minimal müsste zwischen "above" und "mentioned" ein Bindestrich kommen, aber es klingt dann trotzdem noch unenglisch)