Könnte jemand bitte meine Englisch Argumentation korrektur lesen?

1 Antwort

Die Struktur ist gut und der Aufbau mit Einleitung, Hauptteil, Schluss auch. Ich würde an deiner Stelle nicht so oft auf deutsch denken und Wort zu Wort übersetzen. Versuch ein eigenes Sprachgefühl zu entwickeln. Hab jetzt einige Sachen geändert, die ich umgeschrieben hätte. :)

In Britain, (normale Ortsangabe, kein Komma nötig) children and teenagers can be given an ASBO (als Leser unklar wofür die Abkürzung steht, vllt. erstmal erläutern) if they do anything that is an antisocial behavior. It’s a way of punishing them for their actions instead of going to prison or similar punishments. An ASBO consists of several punishments like being forbidden to go (passenderes Verb: enter)to different areas of a town or to meet specific people.

The problem with ASBO’s is that they can give (passenderes Verb: cause) the person depression because they are socially isolated. Consequently, this can lead to self harm or depression in the worst cases. Secondly, their actions aren’t primarily punished they are prevented so that the child/teen won’t do it anymore.(nähere Ausführung, was mit "do it" gemeint ist) Furthermore, the things that are reported aren’t necessarily illegal sometimes it’s just something that might be annoying to others, like tattoos. Having said that, this might just be a way of showing personality. Reportedly, it has happened that someone was just given an ASBO because he looked scary and was always wearing a hood. Another thing to add is that the pictures that are hung up around town can be really embarrassing and can lead to harassment by others. 

(Absatz wenn du deine Gegenseite erläuterst) 

On the other hand, ASBO's also have advantages. Many teenagers have their problems with school, friends etc. This might lead to some illegal actions like drinking or smoking. In addition to that, there often is some kind of group pressure. ASBO’s are a way of showing them that their actions are wrong and that there is a solution to their problems. For instance, it’s a way of identifying that their actions have been wrong. Another key thing to remember is that ASBO’s can keep the children/teenagers from going to prison and that would be way worse.

All things considered, I think that ASBO’s can be good for the young people to change their antisocial behavior. That way, they can understand that their actions have been wrong and change them for good.

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