Frage von Klaussmitsz, 125

Welche Fehler findet ihr in meiner Englisch Charakterisierung?

Hallo an alle mit mehr Englischverständnis als mir. Ich schreibe grade an einer Charakterisierung für meinen Englisch-Grundkurs und hätte gerne ein paar Verbesserungsvorschläge. Danke schon mal im Voraus!

Maria is a twenty-two year old girl, which lives in a small village called Belvedere. She is the protagonist in the short story “the swim team". She is a very dynamic character, because after she met the older persons, her whole attitude changed. She has no kind of job and lives alone in a small house without a boyfriend. She doesn´t have so much money and cannot move away from Belvedere. In my point of view, Maria is a person, who doesn´t feel comfortable in such a boring city, but she is not strong enough to change her life. You can see in line 12 to 14 how uncertain the young girl is. She does not dare to tell her real name. She has a good relationship with her parents and writes them every week. Maybe Maria is part of a poor family, because her parents do not give their daughter money (l.8). The only background information the text mentioned, is that Maria was at a swim team at her time in high school (l.48/49).

I think Maria is a person which feels very strongly and thinks a lot. She cannot deal with the difference feelings in her mind and is overwhelmed like in line 61/62 “I suddenly felt like I was going to die.”. In extreme situations she acts very fearfully and nervously (l. 36/37 “My heart was pounding (…).”). From the phrase, "I was looking down on my shoes (…)."(l.58/59), I conclude that Mary's body language is very depressed and withdrawn.

Towards the other inhabitants she doesn’t know well, Maria is very shy and cautious. Later when she knows the others better and feel comfortable, she acts a little bit more open and is calmer. After Kelda, Jack Jack and Elizabeth become her swim students, she enjoys their society. They build up a strong relationship between each other.

Antwort
von moanajune, 125

Ich würde anstatt doesn´t does not schreiben. Das ist nämlich sonst gesprochene Sprache und Lehrer sind ziemlich pingelig, meine waren es zumindest und ich hab immer schön Punkte für so etwas abgezogen bekommen:( Aber sonst sehr guter Text:)

Kommentar von Klaussmitsz ,

Ok. Ich habs jetzt sicherheitshalber gemacht. Danke :)

Expertenantwort
von AstridDerPu, Community-Experte für Englisch, 87

Maria is a twenty-two year old girl, which (Relativpronomen) lives in a small village called Belvedere. She is the protagonist in the short story “the swim team". She is a very dynamic character (kein Komma) because after she met (Zeit) the older persons (Grammar, unregelm. Plural), her whole attitude changed (Zeit). She has no (---) job and lives alone in a small house without a boyfriend. She doesn´t (Kurzformen wie diese sollten in der Schriftsprache nicht verwendet werden.) have (---) much money and cannot move away from Belvedere. In my point of view, Maria is a person, who doesn´t feel comfortable in such a boring city, but she is not strong enough to change her life. You can see in line 12 to 14 how uncertain the young girl is. She does not dare to tell her real name. She has a good relationship with her parents and writes them every week. Maybe Maria is part (Wort) of a poor family (kein Komma) because her parents do not give their daughter (Hier fehlt ein Wort.) money (l.8). The only background information the text mentioned (Zeit), is that Maria was at (Präposition) a swim team at (Präposition) her time in (Präposition) high school (l.48/49).

I think Maria is a person which (Relativpronomen) feels very strongly (Hier fehlt etwas mit about ...) and thinks a lot. She cannot deal with the difference  (Wortart) feelings in her mind and is overwhelmed (Wovon/Wodurch?) like in line 61/62 “I suddenly felt like I was going to die.”. In extreme situations  (Komma) she acts very fearfully and nervously (l. 36/37 “My heart was pounding (…).”). From the phrase, "I was looking down on my shoes (…)."(l.58/59), I conclude that Mary's body language is very depressed and withdrawn.

(---) the other inhabitants she doesn’t know well (Word Ord  er)

neuer Satz Maria is very shy and cautious. Later  (Komma) when she knows the others better and feel (Grammar) comfortable, she acts a little bit more open and is calmer. After Kelda, Jack Jack and Elizabeth become (Zeit) her swim students, she enjoys their society. They build up a strong relationship between each other.

Das Fettgedruckte muss korrigiert werden. Ich hoffe, ich habe nichts übersehen.

Für das Vokabular und die Rechtschreibung empfehle ich ein gutes (online) Wörterbuch, z.B. pons.com,

für die Grammatik ego4u.de und englisch-hilfen.de.

AstridDerPu

Kommentar von Klaussmitsz ,

Vielen vielen Dank!! Hat mir super geholfen und die meisten Sachen konnte ich von allein korrigieren, aber an zwei Stellen klemmt es:

1. Beim Satz "Towards the other inhabitants she doesn’t know well, Maria is very shy and cautious" will ich sagen das sie am anfang als sie die Bewohner noch nicht kannte ihnen gegenüber sehr zurückhaltend war. Wenn ich das jetzt so schreibe wie du es vorgeschlagen hast, würde ich sagen; "sie kennt die bewohner nicht so gut" & "Sie ist schüchtern" - Wie kann ich die oben genannte Aussage rüberbringen?

2. "she acts a little bit more open" - Was muss ich da genau verändern?

Wäre super nett, wenn du mir nochmal so hilfreich antworten würdest! :)

Antwort
von aannii1234, 71

Ich würde bei Personen statt which who schreiben, z.b. in line 1., anstatt "She has no kind of job" hört sich: she is unemployed besser an. im 2. Abschnitt statt difference feelings different feelings. Aber sonst find ichs gut. :)

Kommentar von Klaussmitsz ,

Ok Danke :)

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