Wie findet ihr meine halloween geschichte?
Wir hatten als englisch hausaufgabe auf, eine gruselige halloween geschichte zu schreiben. Wie findet ihr meine? ;) (ich weiß,sie ist nicht soo gruselig,aber ich wollte nicht das jmd. stirbt oder so xDD )
Can pumpkins be alive?
It was Halloween. Anne's room was dark,only a little light in the back of the room shone. Anne took her little knife a last time and made a final cut into her pumpkin wich was standing on her desk. She took out the piece of pumpkin wich had came off. Now the pumpkin had a face. Two eyes and a mouth with 5 teeth. The pumpkin looked angry. Anne opened the top of the pumpkin, wich she had scooped out. She took a little battery light in her hand, pressed the on button and put it into the pumpkin. She closed the pumpkin again. The eyes and mouth of the pumpkin glowed and suddenly the pumpkin moved. Anne was shocked. "Did I only imagine this?" She thought scared and closed her eyes. Anne opened her eyes and looked at the pumpkin again. It was standing still. "Phew" she was relieved. She turned away and looked out of the opened window next to her. A cold breeze came in. Outside it was already a bit dark. She saw something white passing. The person was wearing a ghost costume. "That looks pretty real!" She said to herself quietly. Then she heard a noise from nearby. "Oops?" she wondered. She looked at the pumpkin again. The pumpkin hovered a few centimeters above her desk. The remains of the pumpkin were still on the desk. "Am I dreaming?" She thought and took a step back,afraid. The pumpkin flew higher and came towards her. The girl walked backwards frightened. The pumpkin turned and flew through the window and out in the cold night. Anne was scared but she was curious too. So she ran out of the room and then out of the house door. "Where did my pumpkin go?" She wondered and walked along the street near her house. Then she heard screams far away. Anne ran towards the noises wich were getting louder. When she was there,she saw people in costumes running into their houses very scared. Then she saw her pumpkin a few meters away from her. She wanted to run away but she was unable to move. The pumpkin turned and came towards her slowly. Anne was shocked. She wished that she never had carved that pumpkin. The pumpkin was only a few footsteps away from her now. Suddenly she noticed that the light of the eyes and mouth of the pumpkin started to get weaker. Then there was darkness in the pumpkin. Anne was sure that the battery in the little lamp was empty so the eyes couldn't shine anymore.
Suddenly she woke up. It was the morning after Halloween. She was still scared. It took some time for her to realize that it only had been a nightmare. "Or maybe not" the girl thought. "What,if the pumpkin is still out there?"
Deine Geschichte ist gut! =)
Und zu der Wiederholung von "pumpkin": Nein, es ist nicht notwendig, dass Du das Wort immer wieder schreibst. Zum einen zieht sich der Rhema-Thema-Faden ganz intensiv durch Deinen Text, wodurch er sehr dicht wird und durch den Kontext klar wird, dass es um den Kürbis geht. Zum anderen kannst Du andere Wörter nehmen, um Deinen Text sprachlich noch etwas interessanter zu machen, zum Beispiel so:
Anne took her little knife a last time and made a final cut into her pumpkin which was standing on her desk. She took out the piece (sie schnitzt den Kürbis - es ist klar, dass es kein Schokoladenstück ist) which had come off. Now the pumpkin had a face. Two eyes and a mouth with 5 teeth. The pumpkin looked angry. Anne opened its top (wieder: es ist klar, dass es um den Kürbis geht), which she had scooped out. She took a little battery light in her hand, pressed the on-button and put it into the skull (anderes Wort - aber da jeder weiß, dass an Halloween Gesichter in Kürbisse geschnitzt werden, kannst Du hier auch bspw. skull nehmen). She closed the pumpkin again. Its (das vorletzte Wort war pumpkin und hier ist nichts, worauf sich its noch beziehen könnte) eyes and mouth glowed and suddenly the pumpkin moved.
Danke! Das hat mir weitergeholfen! 😃☺️
Es gibt einige Fehler, aber das ist nicht das Entscheidende. Die Geschichte ist richtig gut erzählt.
"The pumpkin hovered a few centimeters above her desk" finde ich bärenstark.
(Ich würde hier aber "inches" nehmen.)
P.S.: Ever been to the States?
Finde ich auch richtig gut :D
Mir ist allerdings aufgefallen das gefühlt jedes zweite Wort "The Pumpkin" war, fand ich etwas viel xD
Ist mir auch aufgefallen,aber was hätte ich sonst nehmen sollen? XD "it" wäre gegangen aber man hätte nicht sofort gewusst das der pumpkin gemeint ist ;D
Finde ich richtig gut :D
Richtig gute Geschichte! Gefällt mir ^^
finde ich super! :) du hast aber überall wich anstatt which geschrieben, vielleicht kannst du das noch verbessern :) aber ansonsten eine sehr gut ausgedachte geschichte.
Hatte ich schon verbessert,das was ich hier reingeschickt hatte war die "alte version" vor dem ausdrucken ;D