Englischer Text (sich selber vorstellen) - so ok?

Hallo,

ist der Text so ok?

My name is XY and I´m XY years old. I was born here in Berlin and grew up in XY. XY is a town near Berlin. You habe to drive 45 minutes by car to XY.

Since May I live here in Berlin in a flat. In the first week I missed Berlin very much, but now everything is fine. The area is very nice and the neighbors pleasant.

Now to my bobbies. At weekends I like to go to the cinema. The last movie I saw was an action movie and I started to draw. My first pictures are very bad, but I keep practicing. Also I´m interested in music, especially for old songs.

I live with my parents and I have an older brother, but he has moved out. Now he lives in Bremen. I often stay with him in Bremen. We will also celebrate XY together.

Vielen Dank! ;)

Answer 1

[SmallFaceDoge]

Ja passt. Man könnte es noch ausschmücken und ein paar Information sind unnötig (wie z.B. die Dauer der Fahrt von Berlin zu deiner Heimatstadt), aber ansonsten top.

Answer 2

[Antoooonnnn]

My name is XY and I´m XY years old. I was born here in Berlin and grew up in XY. (,which is a town...) XY is a town near Berlin. You have to drive 45 minutes by car to XY.

Since May I live here (I have been living) in Berlin in a flat. In the first week I missed Berlin very much, but now everything is fine. The area is very nice and the neighbors (are) pleasant.

Now to my hobbies. At weekends I like to go to the cinema. The last movie I saw was an action movie and I started to draw([...] and I started drawing). My first pictures are very bad, but I keep practicing. Also (Additionally/Moreover/Furthermore) I´m interested in music, especially for old songs.

I live with my parents and I have an older brother, but he has moved out. Now he lives in Bremen. I often stay with him in Bremen. We will also celebrate XY together.

Ich weiß nicht welche Jahrgangsstufe du bist... Vom grammatikalischen her ist alles soweit in Ordnung. Nur ein paar Tippfehler. Habe mal Verbesserungsvorschläge in Klammern gesetzt. Du benutzt kaum Connectives, somit klingt das alles ziemlich abgehackt. Habe jetzt auch nicht alles "optimiert" aber wenigstens ein paar Sachen, welche sich einfach nicht gut anhören.