Short story, Englisch - ist die so okay?

...komplette Frage anzeigen

7 Antworten

Die Geschichte gefällt mir in Anlage und Ausführung.

Die einzige Stelle, die Du meiner Ansicht nach eher "vermasselt" hast, ist die Wiederbeschaffung der Handtasche ("conflict" & "handbag back"). Da solltest Du inhaltlich nachbessern, finde ich.

Die Dialogstellen könnten etwas pointierter und "geschliffener" rüberkommen.
Das offene Ende gefällt mir gut.

(Sprachliche Korrekturen: siehe Astrid).

Gruß, earnest

Ganz gute geschichte, aber mit paar rechtschreibfehlern.. ...cloudy autumnday ... = ...cloudy autumn day...

... I suddenly saw the guid dog sitting... = ....guide dog..

...not to see those dissatisfied people.. =... these dissatisfied people...

...guys from my grad... = ...guys from my grade...

... blind Lady, grapped her handbag an ran away. = ...blind lady, grabbed her handbag and ran away.

... But even if I ran as fast as I can, when I arrived at the park, she was away. = I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, but when I arrived at the park, she was gone. (Das hört sich einfach ein bisschen besser an!)

... So I liked to give it to her the following day. Next morning she sat there as usually, on the bench where she has ever sat. But that day she seemed to be a little bit depressed, understandable. = I decided to return the old lady's handbag to her the following day, and on the next morning she sat on that same bench as usual, the same place she has always sat. However, today she seemed a little depressed, which out of my eyes, is totally understandable.

..She turned around and whished me a good morning, a true and friendly smile comes back on her face. = She turned to face me and wished me a good morning, the same true, friendly smile lightening up her face as I had seen it many times before.

I began to tell her how I got her handbag and that I want to give it back to her. I talked to her for a very long time, we talked about our age, our family etc. = I began to tell her how I had got her handbag and that I wanted to return it to her. We talked for a while, but not the same old chit-chat you do with strangers. We had an interesting conversation about our families, heritage, and it felt like I had known this elderly lady for years.

I wondered what she was doing in that area, because she was a rich looking woman, wearing expensive and beautiful clothes and some jewellys. She began to tell something about her life, and why she was there every morning. = I wondered what she was doing in this run-down area, as she was a wealthy looking woman, wearing expensive and quite beautiful clothes, as well as some jewellery. She began to tell me about her life and background, which was where I found out why she sat her at this very same place every single morning.

Das ist jetzt erstmal das erste teil.. ich hoffe es hilft dir :) LG

Danke im Vorraus, LG :-)

It was a cloudy autumnday in 82nd street. Like every day on my way to school, I saw this old woman, sitting on a bench in the park, feeding some birds. I saw her putting her handbag next to her on the bench (Word Order). She was a large woman, I think about 60 years old. She looked wise and happy, so I began to think about her life, what it looked like an what interesting thinks she might have seen in her whole life, when I suddenly saw the guid dog sitting next to her. That's when I realized that this friendly looking lady wasn't able to see anything. First Komma I felt sorry for her, but as more as I thought about it, I began to wonder if it wouldn't be better not to see this run-down neighbourhood, not to see those dissatisfied people. I thought a lot about what it would be like, if I wouldn't be able to see hier fehlt etwas. But then I saw this popular guys from my grad

kein Komma coming with a few girls through the park (Word Order). I didn't like them, they are so unfriendly and unfair, and not interested in their own future, so they didn't come to school very often, in contrast to me. I hoped with good education I would be able to leave this territory. Well, that's not the point. I watched them for a few minutes and I suddenly got shocked. They walked towards the blind Lady, grapped her handbag an ran away! Of course Komma I decided to follow those thieves, and at least I got in a conflict with them, but I was sure it was worth it. So I finally got the handbag back, and I wanted to bring it back to the old Lady. But even if I ran as fast as I can, when I arrived at the park, she was away. So I liked to give it to her the following day. Next morning she sat there as usually, on the bench where she has ever sat. But that day she seemed to be a little bit depressed, understandable. I sat down next to her. She turned around and whished me a good morning, a true and friendly smile comes back on her face. I began to tell her how I got her handbag and that I want to give it back to her. I talked to her for a very long time, we talked about our age, our family etc. I wondered what she was doing in that area kein Komma because she was a rich looking woman, wearing expensive and beautiful clothes and some jewellys. She began to tell hier fehlt etwas something about her life, and why she was there every morning. „ When I was a little girl, I lived here with my mother and my two brothers. Because of good education, my mother got the chance to work at a better place in New

Überprüfe die Zeiten, da geht es z.T. kunterbunt durcheinander.

Das Fettgedruckte muss korrigiert werden. Ich hoffe, ich habe nichts übersehen.

Für das Vokabular und die Rechtschreibung empfehle ich ein gutes (online) Wörterbuch, z.B. pons.eu,

für die Grammatik ego4u.de und englisch-hilfen.de.

AstridDerPu

ylrebmik 05.10.2013, 13:43

Vielen Dank :)

0

York, where she could earn more money, that's why we moved. But sometimes, even if this place is very criminal and poor, I miss the time I lived here, so I come here every day, just to remember those old times. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but maybe one day you'll understand, I think now you are too young boy, you are just 14 years old.“ I was very touched of her story, and her words sounded fascinating and wise, I could listen to her for hours. But i knew I had to go to school, so I wanted to say good bye, maybe I could talkt to her the following day. When I wanted to leave, she grabbed my hand, wanting to say an important thing. „ I know how poor people are who lives here, and I can understand that some people have to steal something. But you showed me that even people who need it, can be honestly and selflessly. I'm so touched of that, you showed me the good sides of this place again, so I want to give you something. Look at me, an old woman, I have enough money and I don't know where to spend it, but now I found (Zeit) a good investitaion. I would also be happe without all that material things, without that money. But you are young, and a very friendly and kind boy, you take care of others and their feelings. The most expensive good is a pure soul. Here, take my bag! Only leave me the photo of my dead husband, that's all I need. I want you to take the rest.“ I didn't knew what to say, or what to feel. But could I take it? I was insecure about what to do. At least she persuades me to take it, and I was very greatful for it. Since that day Komma I would visit her every morning before school, and I really liked our conversations. I done it until the da sshe didn't came back anymore.

siehe oben

rechtschreibfehler werden erst noch korrigiert, zb. thinks -> things hab ich leider noch nicht so drauf geachtet :D

Der zweite Teil..!

But sometimes, even if this place is very criminal and poor, I miss the time I lived here, so I come here every day, just to remember those old times. = But sometimes, even that place is very criminal and poor, I missed the time I lived here, so I come here every day, just to remember those 'good old times'.

I think now you are too young boy, you are just 14 years old.“ = I think you are still to young to understand my boy, you're just 14 years old."

...maybe I could talkt to her the following day... = maybe I could talk to her again the following day.

... „ I know how poor people are who lives here, and I can understand that some people have to steal something. But you showed me that even people who need it, can be honestly and selflessly. I'm so touched of that, you showed me the good sides of this place again, so I want to give you something.= "I know that most of these people going past us right now, are poor, and I understand that some people have the need to steal things to survive. Nevertheless, today, you showed me that even the people who really need it, can resist. Just like you. Everyone can be open-minded and kind-hearted, even if they have other things on their mind, that seem far more important than helping an old blind lady from getting back her handbag. Everyone can be good. You showed me the positibe sides of this place again, so I want to gibe you something in return.

... but now I found a good investitaion. I would also be happe without all that material things, without that money.... = but now I have found a good way to invest it. I can also be happy without a few hundred dollars less.

But you are young, and a very friendly and kind boy, you take care of others and their feelings. = But you are young, a few hundred dollars can mean the world to you for a little while, and you are an extremely friendly and kimd boy, you take care of others and their feelings.

At least she persuades me to take it, and I was very greatful for it. Since that day I would visit her every morning before school, and I really liked our conversations. I done it until the da sshe didn't came back anymore. = At last she persuaded me to take it, and I was very grateful to her. She told me it was worth around three thousand dollars more or less, and that I should get a good education for it. Since that day, I would visit her every morning before my new school started, and I really enjoyed our lovely conversations. She taught me more than you can imagine, that old woman, and I will never forget her, not until the day I die. I visited her on her bench surrounded by the park, in winter through till summer, untill one day she didn't come back anymore.

Ich hoffe meine beiden antworten helfen dir bei deiner geschichte! LG blotta99 :)

blotta99 05.10.2013, 15:41

Kind boy*

0

York, where she could earn more money, that's why we moved. But sometimes, even if this place is very criminal and poor, I miss the time I lived here, so I come here every day, just to remember those old times. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but maybe one day you'll understand, I think now you are too young boy, you are just 14 years old.“ I was very touched of her story, and her words sounded fascinating and wise, I could listen to her for hours. But i knew I had to go to school, so I wanted to say good bye, maybe I could talkt to her the following day. When I wanted to leave, she grabbed my hand, wanting to say an important thing. „ I know how poor people are who lives here, and I can understand that some people have to steal something. But you showed me that even people who need it, can be honestly and selflessly. I'm so touched of that, you showed me the good sides of this place again, so I want to give you something. Look at me, an old woman, I have enough money and I don't know where to spend it, but now I found a good investitaion. I would also be happe without all that material things, without that money. But you are young, and a very friendly and kind boy, you take care of others and their feelings. The most expensive good is a pure soul. Here, take my bag! Only leave me the photo of my dead husband, that's all I need. I want you to take the rest.“ I didn't knew what to say, or what to feel. But could I take it? I was insecure about what to do. At least she persuades me to take it, and I was very greatful for it. Since that day I would visit her every morning before school, and I really liked our conversations. I done it until the da sshe didn't came back anymore.

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