Englische Zeiten HILFE

...komplette Frage anzeigen

4 Antworten

Stikistisch lässt Hemingway grüßen...

Korrekturen z.B.: in her winter jacket... Had he forgotten her? .... they had helped each other ... (Past perfect / Plusquamperfekt / Vorzeitigkeit ist in Deiner Story oft notwendig) ... it distracted her.... Only** the two of them knew that song ... the poem which (ohne Komma) .... to understand **one another better ... thought that they would see each other... the bus that normally her boyfriend drove... ... but behind the wheel there wasn't..

Antwort bewerten Vielen Dank für Deine Bewertung
Bswss 06.10.2012, 17:31

"Stilistisch" natürlich.

0

Zusätzlich zu den Fehlern, die Bssw schon angegeben hat, habe ich noch ein paar wenige Fehler verbessert. (Ohne Garnatie auf Vollständigkeit)

She had already been waiting for one hour and seven minutes. It was snowing. She barely noticed her feet anymore. The bus stop was empty except for her. She sat there, wrapped in her thick winter jacket and waited. She was not angry but rather sad: Had he forgotten her? It was such a special day! She had been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a year now. For a year they had been happy and they were still happy. With him she could talk about everything, even her best friend didn’t know as much about her as he did. At that time, they had often helped each other out of trouble with the support of the other. They had learned to love. No one could tear them apart. They knew it and the rest of the world, too. They were a pack welded together against the rest of the world; no one could harm them, because their love was stronger than anything in the world. She loved to think about this past year, it distracted her a bit from the cold. She began to hum, the song she had written for his birthday. He had cried when she had sung it for him. Only the two of them knew this song. It was just for him personally, and it was one of their many beautiful little secrets. Like the poem which he had given to her at the time when they had come together. She knew it by heart and she never left the house without it. Yes, he was wonderful! Sometimes she thought it was all a dream and she would wake up and everything would be gone. Last year had been so beautiful. Of course, there had been a crisis or two, but crises were there to understand one another better afterwards. The reconciliations that came from both sides were usually the most wonderful in the world. When they had first met, they had never thought that they would see each other again, but then they were brought together again and it all started. She would never forget this tingling. Sometimes it still went through her body, suddenly and in a way that was totally exciting, with a deep look into his eyes or when he came on to her like an angel who has a wonderful aura. She looked at the snow. It was still snowing and around her everything was very calm. She heard a rattle and a hum. It was the bus. It was the bus that was normally driven by her boyfriend. The bus stopped, but the man behind the wheel wasn't her boyfriend. It was her friend's brother who was sitting there with a ghastly look on his face. She opened the door, "What's going on? Why you are here? Where is he?" His brother was staring at her. "Come in first." She climbed into the bus heading for the passenger seat and pulled the door shut. The brother turned his head, he looked awful. She had never seen such a face before. He took his breath and said quietly, "He had an accident on the way here ... he's dead". She was shocked. Everything in her was empty. She had died with him. The snow was still falling. During this night it must cover ........

Antwort bewerten Vielen Dank für Deine Bewertung

*In this night he must cover two loving people.

Antwort bewerten Vielen Dank für Deine Bewertung

blblblblblblb

alles iwie zu viele kleine Sätze

Antwort bewerten Vielen Dank für Deine Bewertung
italiano123 06.10.2012, 17:15

nennt man parataxischen Satzbau . Soll Spannung erzeugen :)

0

Was möchtest Du wissen?