Frage von Links35, 72

Könnt ihr bitte in meinem Aufsatz (Englisch) nach Fehlern gucken?

würde mich freuen wenn sich das jemand anguckt und korrigiert.

In my text I want to write about the topic "thrill seeking young teenagers no risks - no fun" and what I think about that. Doing risky things can give you an adrenaline rush teenagers love this, they consciously choose the danger. But young people have fewer overview of the consequences, as adults. Fun and full risk costs very many lives. That need not be. For example, in amusement park you have also an adrenaline rush. But this risk there is protected. In sport safety equipment reduce the risk, a danger always remains. Extreme sports or illegal things like train surfing or theft is not for me. Safety is most important to me. In my opinion, no one should risk his life or his freedom for an adrenaline rush. Bad experiences of other young people are a lesson to me. I avoid any possible risk. I love playing piano. Playing the piano in front of people gives me an adrenaline rush and there are no dangers. Some young people take a risk in order to look good in front of a group represents. This is something I would not do. There are lots of low-risk activities and sports which are good fun, too. The fun of smoking, drinking alcohol or taking drugs is no more fun, if you think about the long-term risks. Thrilling PC games do a kick and fun. this can happen no fatal accidents. By the way, you can get an adrenalin rush even at board games. This is just as fun. Finally, I would add that in every person's health should come first and consider the risks before.

Hilfreichste Antwort - ausgezeichnet vom Fragesteller
von AstridDerPu, Community-Experte für Englisch, 26

In my text I want to (besser: would like to) write about the topic "thrill seeking young
teenagers (Komma) no risks - no fun" and what I think about that. Doing risky
things can give you an adrenaline rush (Punkt) teenagers love this, they
consciously (Wort) choose the danger. But young people have fewer (Wort) overview (Wort) of the consequences (kein Komma) as (Wort) adults. Fun and full risk costs (Grammatik) very many lives. That need not be. (Passt vom Stil nicht.) For example, in amusement park you have also an adrenaline rush. (besser: parks and rushes; Formulierung)

But this risk there is protected (Wort). (Formulierung)

In sport (Komma) safety equipment reduce (Grammatik) the risk, (---) danger always remains. (Formulierung)

Extreme sports or illegal things (Wort) like train surfing or theft is not for me. Safety is most important to me. In my opinion, no one should risk his (Pronomen; nicht alle Teenager sind maskulin.) life or his (s.o.) freedom for an adrenaline rush. Bad experiences of other young people are a lesson to me. I avoid any possible risk. I love playing (Hier fehlt der bestimmte Artikel.) piano. Playing the piano in front of people gives me an adrenaline rush and there are no dangers (Formulierung). Some young people take a risk in order to look good in front of a group represents (Sinn?). This is something I would not do.

There are lots of low-risk activities and sports which are good fun,
too. (---) smoking, drinking alcohol or taking drugs are no (---)
fun (kein Komma) if you think about the long-term risks. Thrilling PC games do (Wort) a kick and (Hier fehlt ein Verb.) fun. this (RS) can happen (Das ergibt keinen Sinn.) no fatal accidents. By the way, you can get an adrenalin rush even at (Präposition board games. This is (Grammatik) just (---) fun. Finally,
I would add that in every person's health should come first and
consider the risks before (Formulierung).

Das Fettgedruckte muss korrigiert werden. Ich hoffe, ich habe nichts übersehen.

Für das Vokabular empfehle ich ein gutes (online) Wörterbuch, z. B. pons.com, für die Grammatik ego4u.de und englisch-hilfen.de und Finger weg vom Google Übelsetzer und seinen tr.tteligen Kollegen!

AstridDerPu

Kommentar von Links35 ,

Vielen Dank

Antwort
von SeifenkistenBOB, 20

Je nach dem, wie die Aufgabe lautete, empfiehlt es sich, den Aufsatz z.B. mit "In the following text I am going to discuss/comment on/describe/etc. the topic "[...]" einzuleiten. Es ist zwar nicht wirklich falsch, aber es klingt einfach nicht gut.

Ein Punkt nach "adrenaline rush".

"very many"? besser "many"! Btw: Dass Spaß und Risiko viele Leben kostet ist auch nicht wahr.
Deshalb "CAN/MAY cost"

Sport steht immer im Plural.

Ich würde eher "long-term impacts" sagen.

to do a kick? Bitte anders formulieren. Klingt umgangssprachlich.

"This can't lead to serious accidents." oder "There is no risk of getting hurt (physically)."

"Finally I would like to add that the person's/your/our health should come first and health risks should be considered before dangerous action."

Ich bin auch kein Englischlehrer, aber ich hoffe ich konnte dir trotzdem ein wenig helfen. An deinem Satzbau solltest du auch noch ein bisschen arbeiten. Das kommt aber fast von alleine, wenn man sich mit englischen Texten auseinandersetzt.

Kommentar von Links35 ,

Vielen Dank

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