Frage von lokix, 32

Ist mit der Englischtext Korrektur alles in Ordnung?

Ist den mit der Korrektur alles in Ordnung?

Good morning, i would like to tell you today about the colombian drug boss Pablo Escobar. Pablo Emilio Escobar also called 'El Patron' was born in 1949 in Rionegro near Meddelin Colombia. He is the third of seven childrens. His mother Hermilda Gaviria was a village school teacher and his father Abel Escobar a farmer. He grew up in poor conditions. His criminal career began with plunder of grave stones, which he sell to smugglers from Panama. As organized groups, beginning the 1970s make much money by taken cocaine trade, interested escobar also for it. He bought with ist money cocaine paste, who came from Peru and Bolivia. Because the demand was very high in the USA, he imported the drug. In his best time, he earned 1,5 million dollar per day. Within a short time, he reached a market dominant position. He controlled 80% of the global cocaine trade. With the 6 largest cartels in Colombia, he created a business empire. Pablo Escobar became the founder of the Medellin Kartell. In laboratories that were hidden in the jungle, they have produced cocaine. They imported it as tons with ships, vehicles and a boeing 727. In the Medellin cartel there is a saying 'Plata o Plomo', that means money or your life. So Escobar bribed policemens and politicians. He investet his profits mainly in land and property in the USA. But he also built hospitals, school and homes in Medellin. As the USA and colombia acted together against him, they destroyed the laboratories. Escobar went to a bloody campaign of revenge. Here was politicians, officials, journalists and normals people were killed. The ex US president Georg Bush declared the drug boss to the public enemy no.1. After his arrest, Pablo Escobar was brought in his private prison in colombia. From there he escape. However, the 44 year old was tracked down by a special forces team and shot on 2. december 1993. The forbes magazin declared pablo emilion escobar with a fortune of 30 million dollars to the 7th richest man in the world.

Expertenantwort
von AstridDerPu, Community-Experte für Englisch, 14

Good morning,

i (RS) would like to tell you (Hier fehlt etwas.) today (Position) about the colombian (RS) drug boss Pablo Escobar. Pablo Emilio Escobar (Komma) also called 'El Patron' (Komma) was born in 1949 in Rionegro near Meddelin Colombia (Ort vor Zeit). He is the third of seven childrens (Grammar). His mother Hermilda Gaviria was a village school teacher and his father Abel Escobar a farmer. He grew up in poor
conditions. His criminal career began with plunder of grave stones (Ausdruck),
which he sell to smugglers from Panama. As organized groups, beginning
the 1970s make much money by taken cocaine trade, interested escobar
also for it.
 (Dieser Satz ergibt keinen Sinn.) He bought with ist money cocaine paste, who came from Peru and Bolivia. (Satzstellung, RS, Grammatik, Deutsch) Because the demand was very high in the USA, he imported
the drug. In his best time, he earned 1,5 (RS) million dollar per day. Within
a short time, he reached a market dominant position (Ausdruck). He controlled 80%
of the global cocaine trade. With the 6 largest cartels in Colombia, he
created a business empire.
(Satzstellung) Pablo Escobar became the founder of the Medellin Kartell. In laboratories that were hidden (Grammatik) in the jungle, they
have produced (Grammatik) cocaine. They imported it as tons (Ausdruck) with ships, vehicles and a boeing (RS) 727. In the Medellin cartel (Komma) there is a saying 'Plata o Plomo' (kein Komma) that means money or your life. So Escobar bribed policemens (Grammatik) and politicians. He investet (RS) his profits mainly in land and property in the USA. But he also built hospitals, school and homes in Medellin. As the USA and colombia (RS) acted together against him, they destroyed the
laboratories. Escobar went to (Ausdruck) a bloody campaign of revenge.  Here was
politicians, officials, journalists and normals people were killed. (Das ergibt keinen Sinn.)
The ex US president Georg Bush declared the drug boss (---) public enemy no.1.  After his arrest, Pablo Escobar was brought in (Ausdruck) his private prison in colombia (RS). From there he escape (Grammatik). However, the 44 year old (RS) was tracked down by a special forces team and shot on 2. (deutsch) december (RS) 1993. The forbes magazin (RS) declared pablo emilion escobar (RS) with a fortune of 30 million dollars (---) the 7th richest man in the world. (Satzstellung)

Vom Google Übelsetzer und seinen tr.tteligen Kollegen sollte man ja auch die Finger lassen!

Das Fettgedruckte muss korrigiert werden. Ich hoffe, ich habe nichts übersehen.

Für das Vokabular und die Rechtschreibung empfehle ich ein gutes (online) Wörterbuch, z.B. pons.com,

für die Grammatik ego4u.de und englisch-hilfen.de

AstridDerPu

PS: Auch in einem Referatstext sind Zeichensetzung und Rechtschreibung wichtig. Satzzeichen zeigen nämlich an, wo Sprechpausen gemacht werden müssen. Außerdem werden Wörter je nach Rechtschreibung unterschiedlich ausgesprochen (z. B. live - life).

Kommentar von lokix ,

Vielen Dank..ich versteh bloß nicht was du mit Ausdruck, Satzstellung und Grammar meinst?

Kommentar von ralphdieter ,

Ausdruck = falsches Wort (oder Wort falsch angewendet) plunder passt zu town oder warehouse. Zu gravestone (ein Wort!) passt eher steal oder pilfer.

Satzstellung = falsche Wort-Reihenfolge im Satz: Today I would like ...

Grammatik = das Wort ist richtig, aber falsche Zeit, falscher Fall, ...

Kommentar von ralphdieter ,

@Astrid: Deinen Korrekturen vertraue ich blind. Im unkorrigierten Text ist mir noch aufgefallen:

  • He grew up in poor conditions — sagt man das so? Ich kenne das nur im übertragenen Sinn. "in poverty" sollte es besser treffen.
  • which he sell (Grammatik) to smugglers
  • In his best time, he earned // Within a short time, he reached — sind die Kommata hier ok? (keine Ahnung, nur Bauchgefühl)
  • Escobar became the founder — "founded", oder wird man zum Gründer gemacht?
  • hospitals, school (Grammatik) and homes
  • fortune of 30 million dollars — damit schafft man es nicht einmal in die oberen Zehntausend! Ich tippe eher auf 30 billion.

@lokix: Lass Dich von den vielen Korrekturen nicht entmutigen. Immerhin konntest Du einen Text vorlegen, den man größtenteils versteht. Damit bist Du deutlich weiter als viele andere. Und mit viel Lesen, Schreiben und Sprechen kommen die letzten Feinheiten fast von allein.

Kommentar von earnest ,

Nun, das ist eine sehr "pädagogische" Ermunterung, radi. 

;-)

Quasi von allein wird hier leider nichts kommen.

Expertenantwort
von Bswss, Community-Experte für Englisch, 9

Hier nur eine Mini-Auswahl an notwendigen Korrekturen:

I (großschreiben)

Colombian

Komma vor "also"

Medellin

seven children

, which he sold...

Der Satz, der mit "As.." beginnt, ist völlig verkorkst und unverständlich

he bought cocaine paste with.. (Wortstellung) plus X weitere Fehler.

Viele Deiner Sätze sind Deutschlich-Kwänglisch (nicht nur der letzte Satz in deinem Text)

"Als" ist im Englischen nicht "as", sondern "when".

Der Plural von policeman ist policemen.

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