Frage von MariekeJa, 62

Ich habe einen Tagebucheintrag auf Englisch geschrieben, könnte den jemand nachgucken, Schon mal sorry für mein Englisch:D?

Dear Diary, today was a really nice day. We went to London and visited the Tower of London after that we had time to go in some shops. My day started with a nice breakfast from 7:00-7:45 o’clock in our hostel. After the breakfast we walked to the bus. Our trip to London started at 8:00 o’clock. We all knew that it would be a long bus ride, because we were in London two days ago. So we took some games with us. After two hours with a lot of fun we arrived in Greenwich at 10.00 o’clock. With the metro we drove to the Tower of London. It was very exciting to take the metro, because it was our first time and there were much people. Then we arrived at the Tower of London at half past eleven. In the Tower we saw the crown jewels. They looked so beautiful that I would take them with me but they were behind a big glass sheet. Early in the afternoon we went to the National History Museum. I think it was boring there because I am not interesting in dinosaur and old animals. Then we had time to go shopping. We drove with metro to the Oxford Street because there are so nice shops where you can do power shopping. We went in shops like: Topshop, Bershka, Victoria Secret and more. If we had more time we would go to much more shops. After our shopping trip we have to go to the meeting point, where the bus stood. We also have to drive with the metro to the point. But the metro was so full that we were a half hour to late because we have to wait a long time till we can go into a metro carriage. The good point was that everybody was too late. The last people arrived at 19:15 o’clock. So we arrived in Hastings at 21:00 o’clock in the evening. Now we had an hour to walk throw Hastings. But my group only sat on a bench because we were very tired, that was the reason that we all fell in our bed when we arrived at our hostel. I can say it was a really nice day with many new impressions. I think I will turn back to London in a few years. Bye♥

Antwort
von itsyamichan, 27

Hallo ^^

Hier die überarbeitete Fassung:

Dear Diary,

today was a really nice day. We went to London and visited the Tower of London. After that we had time to go to some shops. My day started with a nice breakfast from 7:00-7:45 o’clock in our hostel. After the breakfast we got into the bus. Our trip to London started at 8:00 o’clock. We all knew that it would be a long bus ride, because we we've already been in London two days ago, so we took some games with us. After two hours with a lot of fun we arrived in Greenwich at 10.00 o’clock. With the metro we drove to the Tower of London. It was very exciting to take the metro, because it was our first time and there were many people. Then we arrived at the Tower of London at half past eleven. In the Tower we saw the crown jewels. They looked so beautiful that I would take them with me if I could but sadly they were behind a big glass sheet. Early in the afternoon we went to the National History Museum. I think it was boring there because I am not interested in dinosaurs and old animals. Then we had time to go shopping. We drove with the metro to the Oxford Street because there are really nice shops where you can do power shopping. We went in shops like: Topshop, Bershka, Victoria Secret and more. I wish we would have had more time so that we could go to much more shops. After our shopping trip, we had to go to the meeting point, where the bus stood. We had to drive to that meetingpoint with the metro s well. But the metro was so full that we were half an hour too late because we had to wait a long time untill we could finally go into a metro carriage. The good point was that everybody was too late. The last people arrived at 19:15 o’clock. So we arrived in Hastings at 21:00 o’clock in the evening. Now we had an hour to walk thruogh Hastings. But my group only sat on a bench because we were very tired, that was the reason that we all fell in our bed when we arrived at our hostel. I can say it was a really nice day with many new impressions. I think I will turn back to London in a few years. Bye♥


LG

Yami


Kommentar von itsyamichan ,

Hab mich allerdings entwas beeilt, könnten nach wie vor ein paar Fehler drin sein. Arbeite an verschiedenen Satzstrukturen, Anfängen, Verknüpfern etc. Dann wird dein Text auch nicht langweilig. YAMI

Kommentar von adabei ,

Ein paar Dinge, die mir noch auf die Schnelle aufgefallen sind:

- after breakfast

- because we had already been ... two days ago (present perfect hier nicht möglich)

- We went to the Tower of London by underground. (die "Metro" gibt's in Paris.)

- that I would have taken them with me if I had been allowed to

- so that we could have gone to a lot more shops

- through Hastings

- in our beds

- I will return to London

"Metro" muss immer durch "Underground" ersetzt werden.

"drive" muss immer durch "go" ersetzt werden (Die U-Bahn und der Bus wird ja nicht von den Schülern gefahren.)

Antwort
von xherbstx, 29

Verbeserung:

"I am not interested in dinosaurs.."

"We drove with the metro.."

Ich weiss nicht, ob man "power shopping" sagen kann..

Deinen If Satz musst du korrigieren, da etwas in der Vergangenheit nicht passiert ist.

Kommentar von adabei ,

We went to ...... by underground. ("drive" geht nur, wenn man selber fährt)

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