Frage von Links35, 60

Englischer Aufsatz Kann mir jemand helfen?

Hallo, ich würde mich freuen, wenn sich jemand das nach Fehlern ansehen könnte, wäre super, vielen Dank.

In my text I want to write about the topic "I cannot live without my mobile phone" and I want to show the advantages and disadvantages of technical devices in my day life. First let me say that technical devices are really important for me. I need them for information and they facilitate my everyday life. My computer is a technical tool for me. It helps me with my homework and replaces my books. He quickly answered me all questions. I use the PC only sometimes for games, because I know that PC games can be addictive, depressed and aggressive. If I'm too long on the PC, I neglect my friends. The mobile phone is very important for me. With the mobile phone I can get medical help quickly. I also need my smart phone because I can always stay in contact with my family or my friends. Dangerous is the radiation from your smart phones, this is not good for us. The privacy and data protection are disclosed with this technique. Via Whatsapp I can exchange with friends. When I'm sick, I get told what I missed at school. My hobby is photography. With my new camera, I can make a lot of pictures in succession and record videos in high quality. Also, I love to listen loud music with my MP3 player. The headphones can damage the ear and lead to hearing loss. On the one hand I am happy that I can go to school by car or bus. But on the other hand pollute the exhaust gases the air. I love to cook, so my kitchen appliances are very important. Also, the vacuum cleaner is important for me. It facilitates my work. I am glad that there are technical devices that make the water warm and heating my room. I like to watch movies on the TV. It is better if I could read in the time or do sport. I do not want to do without technical devices.

Hilfreichste Antwort - ausgezeichnet vom Fragesteller
von AstridDerPu, Community-Experte für Englisch, 31

In my text I want to write about the topic "I cannot live without my
mobile phone" and I want to show the advantages and disadvantages of
technical devices in my day life.
First let me say that technical devices are really important for me.
I need them for information and they facilitate my everyday life.
My computer is a technical tool for me.
It helps me with my homework and replaces my books.
He (Grammatik; hast du einen männliche Computer?) quickly answered (Zeit) me all questions (Grammatik, Satzbau, Ausdruck).
I use the PC only sometimes for games (kein Komma) because I know that PC games can be addictive, depressed and aggressive.
If I'm too long on the PC, I neglect my friends.
The (besser: Possessivpronomen) mobile phone is very important for me.
With the mobile phone I can get medical help quickly.
I also need my smart phone because I can always stay in contact with my
family or my friends.
Dangerous is the radiation from your smart phones, this is not good for
us
(Formulierung, Satzbau).
The privacy and data protection are disclosed with this technique.
Via Whatsapp I can exchange (Hier fehlt etwas.) with friends.
When I'm sick, I get (Ich bevorzuge am) told what I missed at school.
My hobby is photography. With my new camera, I can make (Wort) a lot of
pictures in succession and record videos in high quality.
Also, (kein Satzanfang) I love to listen (Hier fehlt eine Präposition.) loud music with (Präposition) my MP3 player.
(---) headphones can damage the (Possessivpronomen) ear (Plural) and lead to hearing loss.
On the one hand (Komma) I am happy that I can go to school by car or bus.
But on the other hand (Komma) pollute the exhaust gases the air (Satzstellung).
I love to cook, so my kitchen appliances are very important.
Also, (s.o.) the vacuum cleaner is important for me. It facilitates my work.
I am glad that there are technical devices that make the water warm (Formulierung) and  heating (Grammatik) my room.
I like to watch movies on (---) TV.
It is (Zeit) better if I could read in the time (???) or do sport (RS).
I do not want to do without technical devices.

Das Fettgedruckte muss korrigiert werden. Ich hoffe, ich habe nichts übersehen.

Für das Vokabular und die Rechtschreibung empfehle ich ein gutes (online) Wörterbuch, z.B. pons.com, für die Grammatik ego4u.de und englisch-hilfen.de - und Finger weg vom Google Übelsetzer und seinen tr.tteligen Kollegen!.

AstridDerPu

Kommentar von Links35 ,

Vielen Dank

Kommentar von AstridDerPu ,

Schön, dass dir meine Antwort gefallen hat und danke für das Sternchen!

AstridDerPu

Antwort
von GakuneDani, 13

Ich habe dir hier mal alle Sachen verbessert und Kommentiert:

In my text, I would like (Niemals "want" benutzen!) to write about the topic "I cannot live without my mobile phone" and I would like to present the advantages and disadvantages of technical devices in my everyday life to you. First, let me explain that technical devices are really important for me. I need them for information and they facilitate my everyday life. My computer is a technical tool for me. It helps me with my homework and replaces my books. He quickly answeres me all questions. I am only using the PC for Games sometimes, because I know that PC games can be addictive, depressing and [aggressive] (PC Spiele können agressiv sein?) If I'm using the PC for too long, I neglect my friends. The mobile phone is very important for me. With the mobile phone I can get medical help quickly. I also need my smart phone because I can always stay in contact with my family or my friends. But you should beware of the radiation, that is harmful to us. The privacy and data protection are disclosed with this technique. Via Whatsapp I can exchange with friends. When I'm sick, I can ask what I missed at school. My hobby is photography. With my new camera, I can make a lot of pictures in succession and record videos in high quality. Also, I love to listen music with my MP3 player loudly. [The headphones can damage the ear and lead to hearing loss.] (Sinn??) On the one side, I am happy that I can go to school by car or bus. But on the other side, cars pollute the exhaust gases the air. I love to cook, so my kitchen appliances are very important. Also, the vacuum cleaner is important for me. It facilitates my work. I am glad that there are technical devices that heat up the water and my room. I like to watch movies on the TV. It is better if I could read in the time or do sport. I do not want to do without technical devices.

Also, deine Grammatik undso könntest du auf jeden Fall noch einmal überarbeiten. Ich bin ehrlich, der Text hört sich ein wenig 0815 an... Du könntest einige pfiffige Sätz hineinbringen. Ausserdem widersprichst du dir mehrere male in deinem Text, was den Leser extrem verwirrt...
Stelle dich auf eine Seite und argumentiere angemessen und nicht waschi-waschi, wie es dir passt. Du machst ausserdem zu Kurze Sätze. Sei Kreativ und denk dir etwas aus :)
Ich kann dir gerne auch noch mal mit Satzformulierungen helfen, wenn du magst. Diesen Text würde ich nicht abgeben/vorlesen etc :/. Ansonsten war er Inhaltlich ganz okey!

Hoffentlich konnte ich helfen!
楽音ダニ

Kommentar von Links35 ,

Vielen Dank

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